Boyfriend is in the e.r with the flu
i miss him
one slice of toast and twenty-five grapes
everybody's too busy to accompany me to a hockey game i don't want to go to
i'm weak
diet dr.pepper instead of food
i'm learning
i'm cold
i love what i'm wearing today (pictures later?)
i want my fishyy to get better so i can lay with him
~~~
not going to the hockey game and my friend's coming over instead. My sister's team did good but they didn't place very high. I say WHO CARES, it's the first one, just work harder. I think that's why i couldn't be in cheer anymore, i don't compete hard enough to be the best. In anything. If i don't win my mindset is more "Oh well" than "What can I do to be better?" I just don't have that much passion for anything at the moment.

I skipped buying any junk food at the convention center. My dad even had me buy him a hot dog and a coke and i wasn't even tempted to get some nachos or chips or candy. GARBAGE, it's all garbage. Why shovel that shit into my mouth and feel worse? So i give myself a tiny applause for that. And i applaud myself again for not having a second plate of pasta that my mom warmed up and not adding seasoning to it to make it taste better which would've resulted in another helping AND for drinking soda instead of eating more and stepping out of the kitchen and aay from the danger zone. Seriously, just not being surrounded by food makes it less tempting to eat. My lazy fat ass is too lazy to get up and get a snack. I'll reach for this diet soda instead, thank you.

i love wearing heels. I love wearing wedges. I love dressing nice. It makes me feel so much better and, in some weird way, makes my appetite go away? Like i feel better about myself so i dont pity eat or feel like i need to stuff my face. I feel like, "i look good, i must ACT like i look good" if that makes ANY sense?

Still no word from Andrew about his status in the e.r. either he's still there or he's sleeping, that cute boy. I want to bring him a present or a surprise or something to make him feel better. He's the first boy that makes me want to go out of my way just to see that gorgeous smile on his face.

If you burn your hand on a hot stove and you learn to never touch it again.
Why doesn't the same thing apply to how i feel after i binge?
It sucks, but i keep doing it.
It's the same goddamn cycle over and over again.
I get motivated, do really good, see results, let my self have an extra slice or an extra serving, i keep making excuses, i binge, i cry, i feel worthless, until i get motivated again.
I'm at my motivated stage now, let's see how long this will last and how long i'll let my stomch rumble.

I'm going to my sister's first cheer competition of the season tomorrow. I can usually sit through those feeling weak and tired. I'll sit there and watch all the skinny girls fly in the air and wish i could go back and be like that. I'll let the music pound through my airs and fill my head so no thoughts of food can enter. I'll have my boyfriend with me. He doesn't eat much, thank god, so i won't do any of my guilty eating where it's "if you eat, then i HAVE to eat" which is bullshit.
After the competition we'll probably go to dinner. Hopefully it's somewhere that doesn't have a lot of veggie-friendly items so i can just eat a salad. Or skip completely if me and Andrew drive separate from everyone else. Then it's the hockey game after that. Yeah, what the fuck, hockey? I know. It's a fundraiser or some shit. I'll just sit through that, numb. And freezing. I miss freezing. I'm taking cold showers from now on.

I almost made myself throw up in the shower today. Not even a mouthful came up but it's a start. I'm not wanting to be bulimic or anything but i just think it would be handy for super binges.

Sleep won't come easy tonight. I miss Andrew already and he feel asleep between the time i left his house to the time i got home and we usually fall asleep together on skype. Haha, sounds lame but i really can't handle falling asleep by myself. I hate being lonely, surprise.

weak, empty, light, flying

I thought that maybe just not caring about food would make things easier.
I thought that if i didnt make it a big deal then it wouldn't seem like a big deal.
I'm wrong, as always, and feel as fat as ever.
I seem to be at a plateau and i don't even know my weight.
My boyfriend has a scale in his bathroom that i stare at every time i'm in there
I'm scared to use it for some reason.
Like he'll be able to tell and ten find out everything.
I've told him abut my cutting.
I lied a bit, though. I said i used to when, if he looked closely, he could tell i still do.
I don't want to make him worry, i just don't want him to think i'm hiding anything.
And i know he'd support me through anything.
He's the best person in my life and the only being who makes me truly happy and carefree.



I need to get off my lazy ass and fucking get what i want, what i need, what i'd die for.

Today went fairly well, liquids until dinner which were soy buffalo wings and then unexpected mac and cheese my mom decided to make. I didn't ask for it SO DONT MAKE IT. please.

i found that popcorn, the healthy pop kind, is a really good snack. 30cals for the whole bag! and it keeps my mouth busy with all the crunching. sometimes that's all i want, some crunch in my mouth ?

I need to buy gum, hydroxycut, rice cakes, more soy foods, find an adderral connect, get a gym pass, get a scale and! i'm! set!

skinny boys are my thinspo, i don't want to be bigger than my boyfriend.

i need a plan for tomorrow;
i have work from 11am-4pm
i can skip breakfast, and i believe i'll get a lunch somewhere in there
there's a robeks next door, i'll get that
just to keep my temper down
i get irritated when i'm so weak that i feel like i'm not there:p
so NO BREAKFAST & ROBEKS
then it's busy, busy, busy with my listening journal for class.
i'm ready<3

i'm fallng so fast and so hard for you
i can't get my grip on anything
time flies by and stands still
my heart feels like its about to burst
and only you can save me
and i trust you will save me
because i trust you more than anyone in my life
---
aunt's birthday today, thats means food, and lots of it.
luckily my mom made vegetarian versions of what she's serving for me and my best friend heather.
i MIGHT be able to invite my boyfriend over, but because of our recent "incident" at the house (my mom saw me straddling him and kissing in the computer room and she texted me, TEXTED ME!, to "get off of him now !!" -_-) he's on my mom's "shitlist". she never says the word shit. She's just trying to feel cool. Way to go, mom.
So my fingers are crossed that e can come, because my sister's boyfriend is coming and then hopefully heather's boyfriend will come too. What a cute bunch.

yesterdays menu was fairly good, had beans and rice for lunch that my mom made for me, and dinner didnt happen until around 8 when i got a veggie bowl at Chipotle. I stayed up until about 4 and "worked out" i guess? So i'm not too worried. Plus, i woke up looking a bit thinner, my hip bones are starting to come out !! {:

Today i had a slice of wheat toast with a slice of cheese (badddd!) and some hot cheetos-_- I'm drinking as many liquids as i can to flush that shit out.

Last night i told my boyfriend about how i "used to" cut myself. I still do, but haven't in a while. Thankfully it didn't scare him away. I told him because i didn't want him to see the scars and then ask and make it weird. Just thought i'd be honest about something for once. But, i'm always honest with him. There's nothing to lie about and nothing to hide. He doesn't even mind or ask questions about when my stomach growls. He makes it more like a joke and will put his ear to my stomach and say stuff like, "What's you say?" "Hello to you too!", cute stuff that makes me laugh and feel comfortable. He's tiny himself, TALL, but thin and i love it !!

Good luck to me today, birthday dinners are always the worst. Goal for the night? No dessert, no sweets, nothing. Just one meal when everyone else is eating, no second helpings, plenty of liquids.

xo

I give myself a high five for not raiding the kitchen after work like i tend to do
it was a long shift too
i needed comfort
BUT FOOD DOESNT EQUAL COMFORT
so i grabbed a few grapes, a piece of toast, and a huge mug of green tea to flush it out
how many caloies? i dont fucking care, as long as i stayed away from the cheese and pasta and peanut butter and hot cheetos and shiettttt in my kitchen.
thankyou, success! goodnight xo<3

Today was a fail.
No need to get into detail.
I'm sure it was over 1000.
I'll never learn.









and my personal favorite:

Woke up really motivated this morning because of last night's "disaster". Sister brought me a cookie and i ate some crackers.

Before going to the boy's house i had a slice of wheat bread with the tinyest bit of nutella on it and a chewy bar totaling around 200cals. We slept until 11am when i had to leave and luckly i told my mom i was at lunch with a friend so i came home and had an energy packet in a bottle water and called it a meal(:
I was reading the nutritional facts on a box of microwaveable popcorn we had and one bag was only 30cals! I thought there must be a lot of fat or sugar and here but no! 0g of each! So i popped myself a bag and put some in a sandwich bag for class for emergency if my stomach got loud and ate the rest of the bag on the way there. Stomach stayed silent(:
When i came home my mom told me she bought me vegan buffalo wings, this other vegan snack, and bean and cheese burritos. FINALLY she supports my vegetarianism! So i tried the buffalo wings which were 200cals per serving (5 wings) and it was filling!
I'm going to an outdoor mall with my friend so we can both avoid dinner and the cookies that are baking and walk around and be motivated and jolly and shaky and lalala{:
Today's Total: 430cals ; 4 bottles of water
i call that quite successful!
Oh and i finally fit into these long johns i bought 2 summers ago! I wore them last night(:
xoxo

Went to bed at 4am last night (morning-_-) and got woken up by my sister a little before 7 to take her to school. And i haven't slept since then! I think the energy powder i put in my water made me stay awake, glad to know it works(:
breakfast consisted of 100cals worth of oatmeal that i waited to long to eat and got cold an nasty, who cares, and a glass of water.
My mom wanted to take me to get new pants for work so before we left i ate an apple(70cals) and a small almost cheese-less quesadilla(150) and i had those for several reasons: 1.didn't want my stomach rumbling around my mom 2.my first moments of hunger are when i get the most irritable and i didn't feel like starting a fight with her today (anyone else get irritable?) 3.hoping to get my mom to think that that was my lunch. But #3 was a fail. She wanted to get taco bell and i said okay because i knew she couldnt argue with me gettingsomething without meat. bean and cheese burrito anyone? 320 fucking calories.
No dinner for me tonight. I've had 2 more glasses of water already so hopefully this shit will flush right out.
Total:640
wow. what a fail.
I need to exercise tonight.
I need some pretty thinspo...















xoxo

Family get-together's are never good news, food-wise.
But I'm proud to announce i did really well for being crowded by cookies, chips, crackers&cheese, meats, rice&beans, and sausage links.
Skipped breakfast.
Skipped lunch.
Dinner was half a cup of rice w/beans and 2 bites of salad
I don't know the cals for that, I'm guessing >200
Then i had a pickle (negative), a yogurt (110), and an orange (80).
todays total: ~390
Blegh, I could've done better.

I'm getting sick ):

But I'm really really HAPPY that I stayed away from the cookies! They're my favorite kind too! Well...they WERE my favorite kind. Not anymore{:
I'm getting stronger, I can feel it.


 

Did fairly well today.
Day 2 of vegetarianism<3
Had a chewy bar (90) and special k crackers (90) for breakfast
Went to Chipotle at lunch with a boy, finished half (~210)
NO SNACKS
Dinner was 2 veggie sausage patties (160) and fruit (~80)
Grand Total: 630
Not Terrible.

I'm craving peanut butter SO bad right now ! And i have to stay up until one.
four. more. hours.
I'm watching the Saw movies to keep my mind occupied:p


Addison Gill



 

I must stay out of the kitchen.
I must stay away from the candy jar.
I must drink more water.
I must buy more diet pills.

I'm super motivated today, I've had no meat since breakfast and I plan to keep it that way. Hello veganism<3
meal plan:
breakfast-oatmeal
lunch-fruit smoothie
dinner-skip NO SNACKS.
I need to be 98 by Halloween !!







I wish i could weigh myself in the mornings. I think I'll buy a scale when i get my next/first paycheck.
 

I've learned that sleeping off hunger is the easiest thing to do.
Stayed at a boys house this morning instead of going to class
and i was able to make it to 1:30pm without eating a thing just by sleeping.
But then I got fast food and went back to the boy's house instead of going to my other class and ATE.
Didn't have any after "school" snacks.
Dinner was whatever, I ate it but didn't get too full.
Ate 2 rice cakes with my friend while we hung up posters
And now I'm eating chocolate and making popcorn.
Awesome.
I'm a fucking failure.
I need to vomit this shit out asap.
And I need to buy hydroxycut !!

I weighed in at 103.5 this morning.
I can and WILL be >100 by halloween.

breakfast-skipped
lunch-chicken snack wrap no sauce (320cals), activia (110cals), water
dinner-skipping

my total for today will stay at 430cals.
No more snacks, no more junk, no more anything.

I'm getting smaller.
I feel accomplished but at the same time I'm thinking,
"This is what's supposed to be done. It's nothing special."

I officially am vegetarian.
I had my last piece of meat at dinner tonight.
I could only swallow about 2 bites of beef before i felt sick.

Tomorrow I need to weigh myself once my mom gets up and out of her room.
I want to know how much I need ot lose by Halloween.
There's NO way I'm going to feel fat and embarrassing that weekend.

I'm back.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.